Is Perception Always Reality?

“We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.”

-   Anais Nin

Recently, I met a friend for lunch.  On the surface, she’s the poster-child for perfection:  confident, fun, successful and attractive.  Whenever we get together, people tend to stare at her and comment on how pretty she is.  That day, she confessed that she’s actually uncomfortable when people give her compliments.  Growing up, her parents were very critical, and she felt that nothing – including her appearance – was ever good enough.  Today, at 30+ years old, she still carries those memories with her.

Honestly, when I met her a couple years ago, I immediately assumed that she “thought she was all that.”  Not based on anything she said or did, just on her appearance.  But in reality, she’s not that way at all.  Just the opposite actually. 

Have you perceived someone incorrectly? 

Often, our perceptions of others can be wrong.  Like your friend with the “perfect marriage.”  Publicly, the two seem inseparable, but privately the union is falling apart.  Or your neighbor who always has the latest this-or-that.  Her clothes, car and home may shout success, but in reality, she may be drowning in debt.  Or the opposite may be true.   Perhaps your co-worker hasn’t been promoted into management after several years of hard work.  She may be perceived as not having the drive or confidence to take on greater responsibilities.  But in reality, she values family time and doesn’t desire the extra stress or long hours that a promotion may bring.    

Each of these examples illustrates how we may perceive people, based on how they look, what they have or what they do.  And sure, sometimes what you see is what you get.  But if you take the time to get to know people better – get below the surface – and learn who they really are, you may be surprised by what you find. 

Has someone ever perceived you incorrectly?

Until recently, I hid the fact that I was a teen mother; even lied about my age on occasion.  Why?  Because I didn’t want to be perceived – judged – as irresponsible because of the choices I made many years ago.  What people didn’t know was that adolescence was a difficult time, and I made decisions based on my mindset and circumstances during that difficult period.  Speaking with women today, I realize that we all go through things we may not be so proud of, which shape who we are and the decisions we make.

So, the next time you perceive someone one way, put aside your own biases, past experiences and expectations, and take a minute to learn more.  By doing so, you may be in a position to help simply by listening to what others are going through, providing encouragement, and acknowledging that we’re all just human, doing the best we can with what we have.

Your comments are welcome.

The Power Within

“When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful.”

- Oprah Winfrey

What comes to mind when you hear the word “Power”? Buying whatever your heart desires, turning heads wherever you go, or maybe getting others to do what you want them to do? This is external power, the kind that is often demonstrated by television personalities, role models or our world leaders.

During my personal journey, I've discovered a different kind of power. And here's the best part: you have it too. That is the power within, which comes in three parts:

The power to live the life you choose. While life may come with certain must-dos like obeying laws and paying taxes, I believe that the rest is pretty much up to you. Been dreaming about starting your own business but don't know where to start? Research your field on the internet, talk to people in the industry, go to seminars. Intrigued by that guy but scared to make the first move? Invite him for a harmless cup of coffee, a stroll in the park, whatever you're comfortable with. Want to see that movie that no one else does? Proudly purchase one ticket, sit where you choose and enjoy it like you're the only one in the theater. Bottom line: If you want something in life, you have to take chances and open yourself up to opportunities.

The power to react how you wish. This was a huge phenomenon for me. For so long, I believed that it was the other person who “made me” mad, scared or frustrated. Actually, it was me reacting to certain “triggers” over and over, just packaged differently each time. I won't bore you with the specifics, but I will tell you that as I became more self aware, I realized that the real issue was my loss of control, fear of the unknown, or not feeling heard. You have the power to perceive your own emotions as situations occur, acknowledge how you tend to react, and decide for yourself. While others may “push your buttons,” only you can control how you feel, and the actions that follow.

The power to achieve the things you most desire. They say that you can tell what a person values by the way they spend their time and money. So if there's something you desire – to go back to school, save more for retirement, or to spend more time volunteering – you have the power to make it happen. The difference between achieving such goals and not is consciously working toward them... or not. Sounds simple, sure, but there will always be unplanned expenses and obligations that require our attention, not to mention temptations to spend extra money or alternate ways to spend our time. Good old fashion planning, sacrifice and determination will help you achieve whatever you desire.

What does power mean to you?

You, Only Happier

"If your joy is derived from what society thinks of you, you're always going to be disappointed."

- Madonna


Like most of us, I enjoy having new things. There's just something about finding the perfect this-or-that, buying it, and taking it home to live among the rest of my “stuff.” And for awhile, I actually derive joy from it... maybe even happiness. Over time though, the shiny new object loses luster and I'm off to find another shoe/dress/piece of furniture/jewelry/car/whatever to admire.

This is typically the way with material things.

If you've lived long enough, you know that “things” don't bring happiness. Often, they just create a larger void.

So what does?

I recently read an interesting article by Gabrielle LeBlanc, a contributing writer for Oprah Magazine, in which she proclaimed, “5 Things Happy People Do.”

1.They find their most golden self. Only through personal growth can we realize our authentic selves. This requires taking on challenges and fulfilling our sense of purpose in life.

2.They design their lives to bring in joy. We should all take a hard look at how we spend our time. It may surprise you that the things we “think” we want, we really don't... like the high-paid jobs that keep us from our families, or relationships that may be emotionally draining.

3.They avoid “if only” fantasies. Everyone has a list of coulda-woulda-shoulda's. The difference is, happy people know that the past is exactly that – the past. Nothing can be done to change what has occurred. We can only move forward from where we are in order to create a better tomorrow.

4.They put best friends first. Happy people tend to spend quality time with those they share a deep connection. So regardless of how many people you know, try spending some quality time with those who are the closest.

5.They allow themselves to be happy. Women are inclined to care for everyone else before ourselves, and may feel guilty for taking time out for personal pleasure. Research has shown that happy people are actually better caretakers. Further, expressing positive emotions like gratitude and optimism may increase life expectancy.

After reading this article, I had to admit, she may be on to something. But I would add one more thing to this list... Happy people believe in a higher power and live their lives accordingly.


What would you add?

Deciding for Ourselves

“Know when to tune out. If you listen to too much advice you may wind up making other people’s mistakes.”


- Ann Landers


Recently, I volunteered at a local cancer research center. One of the other volunteers was a smart and bubbly 17 year old girl. So I asked her the customary adult-to-child questions, including, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” To my surprise, she answered, “My parents want me to be a doctor.” Without thinking, I quickly replied, “No, what do YOU want to be?” She gave me a curious look and then confessed that her parents had pretty much decided for her. Though she liked the medical field, her true aspiration was to be a singer.  She didn’t have the courage to tell her parents that, for fear that they’d cut her off financially.

Now, if you’re anything like me, you don’t want to get in the middle of a parent’s wish for his/her child. But I couldn’t help but suggest that she talk to her parents about her desire to sing rather than practice medicine.

I am a STRONG believer that we were all put on this earth with a set of gifts – and passions – for a reason. It’s no coincidence that we’re usually VERY good at things that we LIKE to do… and we LIKE to do things we’re VERY good at. Conversely, when we make ourselves do things that are not authentically us, we derive very little pleasure from them and, worst – we don’t perform them to our best ability. Don’t get me wrong; it's important to try new things. Without “trying it out” how would we grow, and discover what we’re good at and what we’re not, or what we enjoy and what we don’t? But here’s the thing: no one can decide for us what our true passions are. What works for one person won’t necessarily work for another. Each of us can discover what makes us truly happy only through our own experiences, listening to ourselves, and paying close attention to those things that naturally draw us in.

My hope for that girl – and all females - is the chance to explore her true passions, live them, and make a living from them. In my opinion, it’s just wrong to expect others to do something with their lives that does not feel purposeful.

What do you think?