The First Steps

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."

-          William Jennings Bryan

Can you believe that 2010 is nearing its end?  The New Year is fast approaching and, like millions, you may already be thinking about resolutions.  According to research, weight loss, exercise, and smoking cessation top the list, followed by money management and debt reduction. 

While I agree that New Years is a good time to reflect on areas of our lives to improve on, it is also an opportunity to begin working toward what we’ve always dreamed about… opening a restaurant, owning a home, or a change in career.  But before any of these goals can be accomplished, we must take the first steps toward making it happen. 

I’ve heard that when the artist Michelangelo looked at a piece of marble, he saw the form already finished within it.  His work was simply to chip away the outer casting.  The same goes for each of us, as we go about carving the lives we choose to live each day.  But after “staring at the marble,” we must take action to get energy flowing and create reactions.  Trust me, I know first-hand that the initiative to begin can be the hardest.  Change can seem scary, as it involves risk.   But I guarantee that when you begin chipping away at what stands between you and your dreams, you will be amazed by what you find. 

Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

·         Research the basics.  What knowledge do you need to get the ball rolling?  This may involve taking a class, visiting websites for information, or speaking with people in the industry. 

·         Network.  Attend events to meet others who are doing what you want to be doing.  People are typically flattered when you ask their advice, and those contacts may come in handy in the future as you become established.

·         Volunteer your time.  Seek an internship in your chosen field or simply volunteer a few hours on weekends.  This can be a win-win as you develop new skills, meet others in the industry, and provide valuable work to a worthwhile cause or organization.

I know for sure that we are all capable of achieving the things we most desire, through careful planning and consistent execution.  But when the time is right, set your plan in motion by taking the first steps.  I wish you the very best in the coming year as you go about making your dreams a reality.

What are the first steps toward your dreams?

Flipping the Script

“Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.”

-          Henry Ford

Lately I have been reading a powerful book, Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck, which has positively changed the way I feel about what is possible.  The book centers on helping individuals discover who they truly are in order to tap into and live the lives they deserve to lead.  One section in particular caught my attention…

Once upon a time there were two women who lived very different lives… One had controlling parents, few close friends, couldn’t establish a long-term romantic relationship, barely made it through college, and worked a stressful job with long hours.  The other woman came from a family who cared deeply about her happiness, had a close-knit group of good friends, experienced one romance after another, was admitted to an elite graduate program, and later landed her dream job.

At cursory glance, it seems the second woman led a better existence.  But guess what: The two women are actually one in the same.  The only difference is the way she chose to see her own life.  I like to call this phenomenon flipping the script … telling your story in a way that celebrates the heroine in you, rather than the victim.  I am not suggesting that you see every situation with rose-colored glasses, but rather than wallowing in self-pity over what could have been, how about looking at the beauty of what is…

The author suggests an exercise that will help you flip your script.  Write a brief time line of the major events of your life.  Now read it.  What story are you telling?  One of woe, hardship and despair; or one of courage, perseverance and determination?  If the former, rewrite it, this time recognizing that while you’ve made mistakes, you’ve also learned valuable lessons; and though you’ve met tough challenges, you have also successfully navigated your way through them. 

And while we’re on this subject, please be aware that others can negatively flip your script, and taint how you see your own life due to what they’ve been through – if you allow them to.  As I’ve dealt with this first-hand, I finally came to realize that often, people perceive things as they are, not necessarily as you are.  And what’s more, some people are just never happy unless someone else is unhappy.  So, surround yourself with positive things, people and experiences that contribute to your personal growth, to keep you moving in the right direction.  In the words of the author, Ms. Beck, “Most people think they’ll believe in their own potential for success when they see it; the truth is you’ll see it the very instant you decide to believe it.”

Your comments are welcome.

The Power of Letting Go

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”

- Raymond Lindquist

Recently, I read an excerpt from writer/comedian Steve Harvey's new book on relationships, Straight Talk, No Chaser, in which Steve described how his mother taught him a valuable lesson about the power of letting go. In his pre-fame days, Steve saved for a new car. His old vehicle had long died, yet it was still in his parent's driveway on cinder blocks because he didn't want to let it go. Unfortunately, his search for the “just right ride” didn't go as planned. After a few weeks, he expressed his frustration to his mother. Her advice was simple: Get rid of the old car – which served no purpose – in order to make room for a new blessing.

How often do we hold on to things that no longer serve a purpose?

Clothes we haven't worn in years; ghosts from boyfriends' past; jobs that are no longer fulfilling. It's impossible to pack new clothes into an overflowing closet, launch a new romance with previous-relationship baggage still lingering, and secure your dream job if you won't seek the one that you deserve. The same goes for friendships; sometimes they're meant to last a lifetime, but as people grow and change, relationships may shift. Or perhaps your “friend” has hurt you repeatedly, yet you won't let go.

As you continue on your path to live purposefully, ask yourself, “What do I ultimately want my life to be?” Perhaps what you hold dear no longer serves a purpose, and may actually block you from achieving what you most desire. Also ask, “Does this relationship/job/etc. really serve me?” And further, “Does it facilitate my growth?” If not, why are you still participating in it? Sometimes we have to let go in order to make room for what teaches us new things or challenge us in ways that we never thought possible.

I realize that the aforementioned examples are ones of choice. But life is full of uncontrollable situations, so the decision to let go may not be ours, such as lost jobs, foreclosures and divorce. As hard as these situations can be, I still believe that, “When one door closes, a window opens.” This may be hard advice to swallow at first, but over time you'll find your way, regain the essence of what you've lost, and have “more” than you had before.

I'm currently perplexed by a situation that has me wondering if it's time to let go. But I've experienced this before and somehow, the end results are always better than what I had previously. This is true because when we're forced to say goodbye to one thing, we're being called to do another. If you are at a crossroads that requires you to let go, I sincerely wish the same for you.

What do you need to let go of in order to receive your new blessings?

The Gift of Gratitude

“It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.”

-  Mother Teresa

It's hard to believe that the holiday season is officially upon us. Thanksgiving has come and gone, and Christmas will be here before we know it. Perhaps you have already begun the annual holiday traditions: hanging lights on the house, decorating the tree, and shopping for gifts. According to news reports, Black Friday was a huge success this year as thousands stormed department stores, electronic warehouses, and local boutiques in search of deals. I've never participated in this popular phenomenon, but have heard that the savings can be unbelievable! It's unfortunate that during this time of holiday cheer, the season is also infamous for people fighting over merchandise, huge credit card debt, and self-induced stress in the pursuit of the perfect gifts.

Why does the holiday season make us act this way? When you think about it, this behavior is the polar opposite of what Christmas is suppose to be about: time with loved ones, giving from the heart, and being appreciative for what we have. So how do we reclaim the essence of the holidays? This year, in addition to material things, why not give something that is truly priceless: the gift of gratitude.

When was the last time you told someone how much you appreciate them?

Was someone there for you during a difficult time? Did he/she provide a laugh when you needed it most? Has someone offered a helping hand in your time of need? If so, that person deserves your thanks. And while verbal forms of gratitude are always welcome, please consider writing it in a letter or card and sharing it with that person. Chances are, it may be the most meaningful gift he/she receives; cherished long after the fruitcakes, cashmere sweaters, and matching shirt/tie sets are long forgotten.

So this holiday season, in addition to traditional gift giving, take a few minutes to give the gift of gratitude to those who truly deserve it. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

To whom will you give the gift of gratitude this holiday season?

Mission Possible

“I am not a has-been. I am a will be.”

- Lauren Bacall

 

Yesterday marked the end of the mentoring program for middle school girls that I blogged about several weeks ago (see “Advice from You to You, ” Oct 10). Throughout the 8 weeks, the girls explored topics like “I define me,” “Be a friend, have a friend,” and “My choice, my consequence,” which encouraged them to think critically about the decisions they make as they approach high school, go off to college, and enter adulthood. Upon completion, each girl presented her own personal mission statement, describing who she is, where she's going, and how she intends to get there. When I introduced this concept several weeks ago, they were uncertain what they were “supposed” to write. Instead of following a cookie-cutter example, they were encouraged to dig deeply into themselves, consider their goals and potential obstacles, and write a statement that is “uniquely them.” In this, my third year facilitating the program – with a different set of girls each time – I was once again moved by their insight, candor and determination.

To quote a few:

“... I'm going to be the first in my family to finish college...” “... no one can make me feel inferior unless I allow them to...” “...I'm beautiful because I believe I am...” “... people say I can't do that because I'm a girl but they don't know how determined I am to succeed...” “... I am precious because God made me that way...”

Have you ever written a personal mission statement?

Who, what and how do you want to be physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and financially? Is your mission to raise to a healthy family, be a better friend, build your career, or start your own business? Perhaps you seek to help others who are in need, continue your education, or find love again. Whatever your goals, have you invested the time to articulate your vision and create a plan to make it happen?

I know what you're thinking, and trust me; I get it. With jobs, families, the upcoming holidays, and all the things that fill our 24 hours, it seems that not much time is left to reflect on the things we want. But I encourage you to take just a few minutes each week to think about – and write down – where you want this life to take you, and how it may become a reality.

As for the girls, my hope for these future pediatricians, entrepreneurs, cosmetologists, veterinarians, crime scene investigators, etc. is that they take their own words to heart and refer to them often. Though the program has ended, this is the beginning of a new chapter in their journeys toward fulfilling their personal missions.

What would you include in your personal mission statement?

Overcoming Regret

“I would rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not.”

- Lucille Ball

Broken relationships. Poor financial decisions. Lost dreams.

We've all made choices, taken risks, and lived with the results when things didn't quite go our way. The list of regrets goes on and on, and can stifle our growth if we allow it. If regret is standing between you and what you want most from life, I bring you, “Six Steps to Regret-proof Your Life,” by Martha Beck, life coach and insightful writer whose advice is, as usual, spot-on.

1. Go beyond denial. It's easy to get caught up in shoulda-woulda-couldas and lose ourselves in “if only” fantasies, but they do nothing for our current circumstances, make us feel worse, and almost certainly paralyze hope for the future.
2. Separate regret's basic ingredients. All emotions stem from 4 sources: anger, sadness, happiness, and fear. Regret is a mixture of the first two... anger that XY&Z occurred, and sadness over what resulted. To overcome regret, we must confront, acknowledge, and work through both emotions.
3. Grieve what is irrevocably lost. Crying is my release mechanism of choice... perhaps yours is exercising or writing in a journal. Regardless of the method, “letting it out” can ease your burden... it may take a few minutes, or for others, much longer. You'll know that your grieving process is complete when you can feel happiness for others who gain what you feel you've lost.
4. Reclaim the essence of your dreams. Regardless of what you lost specifically (e.g., a man, a job, a house), ask yourself: What was it about XY&Z that I wanted so much? Then seek it in another source, productively. After some time, your initial desire may subside.
5. Analyze your anger. Take a hard look at how anger may be affecting your daily life. If we're not careful, it may be taken out on others who do not deserve it. The next time anger surfaces, take a minute to assess its roots.
6. Learn to lean loveward. As you make future decisions, lean toward love rather than aversion to fear. This works because we rarely regret decisions that are made out of love, but fear-based decisions will be regretted almost every time. This means that you will love again... only this time a little smarter. You will get your finances back in order... but watch your money far more closely the second time around. And your dreams are still attainable... but may be packaged differently than you expected.

We know for sure that the past cannot be changed. But we do have the power to overcome regret, and become stronger as a result. I firmly believe that all experiences – good and bad – have purpose, and can help us as we continue moving toward who we are meant to be. Overcoming regret is certainly a step in that right direction.

Your comments are welcome.

What's Holding You Back?

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  Live the life you have imagined."

 —Henry David Thoreau

After attending the women’s conference that I blogged about the past two weeks, I didn’t think I could ever be more inspired than I was upon the event’s conclusion.  Low and behold… it happened again!  Yesterday, I attended “Life by Design: Power Day,” an empowerment workshop led by Cynthia Newman (www.CNewinspiration.com), an inspirational speaker, author and passionate advocate for the achievement of others’ dreams. 

The program allowed each of us to contemplate our own dreams, identify what’s standing in our way, and create a plan to achieve our goals.  The first and third topics were pretty simple for me; I have long identified my purpose, tangible goals, and an action plan.  But I must admit that the second, “What’s Holding You Back,” was more challenging as I was forced to focus on and admit the things that could stand in the way of reaching my destiny.   While lack of funding and other resources may create obstacles, we all agreed that psychological factors play a big part: listening to naysayers, seeking others’ approval, fear that it’s too late, and doubting our own abilities. 

It seems that no matter how confident we are at times, insecurities can creep up when we least expect them.  Perhaps you’re on your path right now, and experiencing some angst.  If so, please allow me to share the advice that helped me:

If God gave you the gifts, they're yours to pursue.  Period.

It’s SO amazing that we like to do the things we’re good at, and we’re good at the things we like to do.  But why?  Because we were all born with unique skills, talents and interests – GIFTS – that are just waiting to be developed, pursued and shared with the world – in your own time.  Our dreams manifest from our deepest passions… which no one has the right to ridicule.  And further, no one can take away your gifts because no one (on earth) gave them to you. 

I hope that this insight brings you strength, much the way it did for me.  I encourage you – as I encourage myself – to think positively and utilize your gifts to pursue your passions with vigor, so you may live the life that you have imagined. 

What stands between you and your dreams?  What are you going to do about it?

P.S.  I usually like to start each blog post with a quote from a well-known female, but this week (like last) I couldn’t help but share some of the most powerful phrases I’ve ever heard, regardless of the source.  Please take the words of Thoreau to heart as you identify and pursue your passions.    

Architects for Change

“… be the change you wish to see…”

-          Mahatma Gandhi

As mentioned in last week’s blog entry, “Living the Dream,” I attended a tremendous women’s conference this past week in Long Beach, California.  The speakers – including Michelle Obama, Maria Shriver, Paula Deen, Mary J. Blige, Martha Beck, Tony Robbins, Sally Field, and Deepak Chopra – echoed the conference’s theme, “It’s Time…” and called for the 30,000 women in attendance to be architects for change in our own lives.

The highlight of the event was the Minerva Awards, where 5 distinguished women were honored for their service to humanity, including The Honorable Sandra Day O’Connor and my personal role model Oprah Winfrey.  They need no introduction… both are known not only for all they’ve accomplished in law and media/entertainment (respectively), but also for redefining what women are capable of achieving.  As awe-struck as I was to be in the company of these remarkable women, it was the selflessness and leadership of the other 3 lesser-known award recipients that really moved me.

Carolyn Blashek, heartbroken by the events of 9/11, wanted to help in the war effort, but was too old to enlist.  As she thought about the soldiers – who were thousands of miles from home – she remembered the joy her children felt from receiving care packages while away at summer camp.  “Operation Gratitude,” the nation’s largest civilian military aid organization, was born!  To date, over 550,000 packages filled with toiletries, music, DVDs, sweets and love have been sent to soldiers overseas, each with a personal letter of thanks from the organization’s thousands of volunteers. 

Oral Lee Brown, aka “Mama Brown,” was a teacher in a tough Oakland, California school district.  Touched by a student with huge potential but little support, she pledged to her entire class that if they maintained at least a C average and stayed out of trouble through high school, she would put them through college.  Ms. Brown made good on that promise and has since formed the “Oral Lee Brown Foundation” which targets, mentors and provides full college tuition to at-risk youth in the Oakland area.  Today, the foundation has aided almost 200 students, and counting.

Sister Terry Dodge works tirelessly to rehabilitate women as they leave the prison system.  She believes that without essential skills for survival “on the outside,” most will inevitably be re-incarcerated.  Ms. Dodge runs “Crossroads” in Claremont, California which provides substance abuse programs, reading and writing skills, job-readiness assistance, personal banking know-how, and essential training on how to engage in communal living, cook and socialize.  She does not judge the women for their prior misdeeds, but rather encourages them to look forward to a brighter tomorrow.

I’m sure you can see why I was so enthralled by these extraordinary architects for change!  Their stories remind each of us that we do indeed have the power to be the change we wish to see.

You can view The Minerva Awards at www.WomensConference.org.

Your comments are welcome.

Living The Dream

“Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss, you’ll fall among the stars.”

-          Unknown

Last night I arrived in Long Beach, CA to attend the 10th Annual Women's Conference, presented by the First Lady of California, Maria Shriver.  The two-day event (Oct 25 & 26) will feature a host of dynamic speakers including Michelle Obama, Suze Orman, Tony Robbins, Dr. Oz, Laura Bush, Jillian Michaels, Rodney and Holly Robinson-Peete – my personal favorites Martha Beck, Mary J. Blige and Oprah Winfrey – and dozens more.  The event’s theme, “It’s Time…” is a call for all women to identify and fulfill their passions in order to live life to its fullest.  I’m so excited I can barely contain myself!

At LAX (airport), I was greeted by a huge sign that said, “Welcome to Los Angeles, where dreams are made.”  I couldn’t help but smile, thinking of my personal passions and all that I hope to accomplish in my lifetime.    

What are your dreams? 

We’ve all been asked the question, “What would you do if you didn’t have to work?”  But have you ever considered that you can turn your passions into your day job?  I’ve had the pleasure of working with a few women who have done just that.  Allow me to introduce them:

JoDee Curtis was the human resources director at my previous employer and recently launched her own human capital consulting firm, Purple Ink, LLC (www.PurpleInkLLC.com), which helps companies to find creative solutions to business issues by specializing in retention, recruiting, training, benefits and compensation, and speaking engagements.

Cindy Dunston-Quirk, a current colleague of mine, is passionate about her dogs, Scout and Zoe – so much so that she launched a business that produces and sells allergy-free, organic chews for dogs that are afflicted by the same conditions as hers.  Scout&Zoe’s (www.ScoutAndZoes.com) has been featured in local media publications as well as PeoplePets.com (a subsidiary of People Magazine).

Katharine (Kate) Oberreich curates for and manages the daily operations of a program that invites those touched by cancer to express their emotions via art and narrative, which is in line with this young entrepreneur’s passions as she runs her own studio (www.KateOberreich.com), creating mixed media art which often reflects personal journeys. 

It’s always inspiring to see women like JoDee, Cindy and Kate step out and pursue their passions.  And I encourage you to do the same. 

As for me, today I’m going to bask in the California sun, and prepare to be educated and inspired by the events of the next two days.  If you are interested, you may view the Women’s Conference live on Monday 8:30am-2:30 pm PDT, and Tuesday 8am-7pm PDT, at www.WomensConference.org.  The site contains agendas for the various sessions and speakers.  Look out for me in the audience… I’ll be the one up front… taking it all in… as I continue this journey to live out my dreams.

Letter to Your Younger Self

“I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to give something back.”

-          Maya Angelou

As a follow-up to last week’s topic, “Advice, from You to You,” I’d like to continue the subject of following our own best advice.  Awhile ago I happened upon an article titled “Letter to Your Younger Self” by Phylicia Rashad (aka Claire Huxtable from Cosby Show fame) in Oprah Magazine.  In her letter, Ms. Rashad expressed what she wished her 21-year-old-self had known at the time:

Dear Phylicia,

Romantic involvement distracts you and can blind you to what's really in front of you. And what really is in front of you? You are. You don't even know yourself yet. You think you know and you want to assert that you do, now that you're a certain age, but you don't. What's in front of you is a whole world of experiences beyond your imagination. Put yourself, and your growth and development, first. There are long-term repercussions to what you're doing now. Everything you do, every thought you have, every word you say creates a memory that you will hold in your body. It's imprinted on you and affects you in subtle ways—ways you are not always aware of. With that in mind, be very conscious and selective.

With high hopes for you,
Phylicia

What do you know about yourself now that you wish you had known when you were younger?  Would it have saved you time, grief and frustration later in life? 

I’m not suggesting that any of us should regret the decisions we’ve made thus far.  Those choices have shaped each of us into the people that we are today, and may work to our advantage if we’re willing to learn lessons from them, and do better next time. 

But I do suggest that if you’ve been through tough experiences, and made it victoriously to the other side, don’t sit on it.  Share your new-found knowledge with a girl or woman who may need it, such as a daughter, niece or close friend.  It’s true that some life lessons have to be learned first-hand, but if you reach out, you never know who you may touch in a positive way.

So what would I say to my younger self?  I’d tell her that she’s stronger than she knows and can handle any obstacle in her way, because God is in her corner.  I’d remind her that no man’s attention can match the feeling that comes from having a strong sense of self.  And I’d tell her to stop worrying so much, because it will be okay.    

If you had the chance, what would you tell your younger self?

Advice, from You to You

"You have to remember the value of your individuality; that you have something different to offer that no one else can.”

-          Jennifer Lopez

This fall, I am again leading a mentoring program that promotes self esteem, character development, and educational excellence for middle school girls ages 11 to 14.  This week’s topic, “I Define Me,” allowed the girls to identify the traits and characteristics that make each of them unique.  Their responses ran the gamut from Smart and Funny to Headstrong and Sassy.  Regardless of the words they chose, they were encouraged to be proud of who they are, to listen to their intuition for doing the right thing, and to allow no one to derail their dreams. 

Personally, I think that the topic “I Define Me” is profound.  Even as adults, we often allow others to define who we are.  And if we’re not careful, others’ definitions may manifest in our actions, based on our past, our own insecurities, or others’ expectations.  As I listened to the girls, I thought about my 14-year-old-self, how I may have defined myself at the time, and the actions that followed.  Adolescence can be a confusing time for many, as girls learn who they are and their place in the world.   

Toward the end of the day, I shared a passage from one of my favorite books, Letters to a Young Sister, by Hill Harper.  It includes advice, both from Hill’s male perspective and several female celebrities, to young girls as they begin to make important life decisions.  The passage, by acclaimed actress Alfre Woodard, advises young girls to listen to their own best advice by thinking of themselves in third-person.  Considering that it’s often easier to give good advice to someone else, rather than following our own, I hoped that the girls would take Ms. Woodard’s words to heart:

“As you navigate your way through life, you are increasingly in charge of your own choices.  You are becoming a young woman but that little girl you once were will remain a part of who you are… When you respect yourself, you are giving that Precious-Little-Girl-Self [inside of you] the encouragement and protection she deserves.  Say you were taking care of a little girl.  How would you treat her?  You would defend her from anyone who would seek to exploit, demean, or devalue her.  You would certainly steer her away from others who would belittle her dreams.  You would be there to reinforce her image of self, by reminding her of how powerful she is when she follows her intuition for doing the right thing… That little girl lives inside of you.  She always will.  Her well-being and sense of self depends on you…”

Each of us has the power to define ourselves, and choose the path that is uniquely right for us.  I encourage you to share this advice with a young girl in your life as she navigates her way toward self definition. 

Your comments are welcome.

Broadening Your Horizons

“Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb.  It’s where all the fruit is.”

-          Shirley MacLaine

I love to travel.  Chicago, Miami, DC, San Francisco, Houston, Vegas… you name it, I’ve been there.  And anyone who knows me well can attest that my soul was born in New York City… any excuse to go there will do.  Though I haven’t yet ventured much outside the country, I’ve discovered that the US has some pretty interesting and diverse cities… which are just a plane ride away.   

One of my work responsibilities is to visit sales reps across the US to assess how we can provide better programs and services.  In the past, I have always chosen cities that fit my personality: major metropolitan areas with a lot of hustle and bustle.  But this time I decided to experience something different, a place I may not have the opportunity to visit again… but where? During a conversation with my mother, she suggested I go to the state of New Mexico, which is known for great food, friendly people and breathtaking sunsets.  Amazing sunsets, you say?  Since I was trying to broaden my horizons (pun intended), I decided “New Mexico it is!”

Being in Albuquerque and Sante Fe, NM was like visiting a foreign country, with very dry lands, cloudless baby-blue skies, unique architecture, and none of the chaos I’ve grown accustomed to in my typical cities of choice.  As I gazed at the sunset on my last evening there (my mother was right, it was amazing), I felt an appreciation not only for my fabulous travel experience, but the opportunity to do something so different.

When was the last time you tried something outside of your comfort zone? 

I believe that experiencing new things is an essential part of personal growth.   While routines ensure that necessary tasks are completed (going to work, paying bills, etc. etc.), new experiences break up the same ol’ same ol’ and add that much-needed pizzazz to everyday life.  Had the same style for years?  Grab some fashion magazines, purchase a new lipstick color, and get a fresh haircut to re-energize your look.  Taken any classes lately, just for the fun of it?  It’s amazing how learning to paint, cook, dance or speak a new language can get your creative juices flowing and perk you up in an instant.  Perhaps the adventurer in you is ready to see the world.  Save some extra cash, obtain a passport, and prepare to visit places, people and cultures you’ve only read about. 

Learning new things doesn’t have to be daunting or expensive.  But stretching yourself beyond the everyday can provide new insight and perspective, and challenge you in ways you never imagined.  I encourage you to open yourself up to new experiences as often as possible, in order to broaden your horizons.

What new experience will you have this week?

Is Perception Always Reality?

“We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.”

-   Anais Nin

Recently, I met a friend for lunch.  On the surface, she’s the poster-child for perfection:  confident, fun, successful and attractive.  Whenever we get together, people tend to stare at her and comment on how pretty she is.  That day, she confessed that she’s actually uncomfortable when people give her compliments.  Growing up, her parents were very critical, and she felt that nothing – including her appearance – was ever good enough.  Today, at 30+ years old, she still carries those memories with her.

Honestly, when I met her a couple years ago, I immediately assumed that she “thought she was all that.”  Not based on anything she said or did, just on her appearance.  But in reality, she’s not that way at all.  Just the opposite actually. 

Have you perceived someone incorrectly? 

Often, our perceptions of others can be wrong.  Like your friend with the “perfect marriage.”  Publicly, the two seem inseparable, but privately the union is falling apart.  Or your neighbor who always has the latest this-or-that.  Her clothes, car and home may shout success, but in reality, she may be drowning in debt.  Or the opposite may be true.   Perhaps your co-worker hasn’t been promoted into management after several years of hard work.  She may be perceived as not having the drive or confidence to take on greater responsibilities.  But in reality, she values family time and doesn’t desire the extra stress or long hours that a promotion may bring.    

Each of these examples illustrates how we may perceive people, based on how they look, what they have or what they do.  And sure, sometimes what you see is what you get.  But if you take the time to get to know people better – get below the surface – and learn who they really are, you may be surprised by what you find. 

Has someone ever perceived you incorrectly?

Until recently, I hid the fact that I was a teen mother; even lied about my age on occasion.  Why?  Because I didn’t want to be perceived – judged – as irresponsible because of the choices I made many years ago.  What people didn’t know was that adolescence was a difficult time, and I made decisions based on my mindset and circumstances during that difficult period.  Speaking with women today, I realize that we all go through things we may not be so proud of, which shape who we are and the decisions we make.

So, the next time you perceive someone one way, put aside your own biases, past experiences and expectations, and take a minute to learn more.  By doing so, you may be in a position to help simply by listening to what others are going through, providing encouragement, and acknowledging that we’re all just human, doing the best we can with what we have.

Your comments are welcome.

The Power Within

“When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful.”

- Oprah Winfrey

What comes to mind when you hear the word “Power”? Buying whatever your heart desires, turning heads wherever you go, or maybe getting others to do what you want them to do? This is external power, the kind that is often demonstrated by television personalities, role models or our world leaders.

During my personal journey, I've discovered a different kind of power. And here's the best part: you have it too. That is the power within, which comes in three parts:

The power to live the life you choose. While life may come with certain must-dos like obeying laws and paying taxes, I believe that the rest is pretty much up to you. Been dreaming about starting your own business but don't know where to start? Research your field on the internet, talk to people in the industry, go to seminars. Intrigued by that guy but scared to make the first move? Invite him for a harmless cup of coffee, a stroll in the park, whatever you're comfortable with. Want to see that movie that no one else does? Proudly purchase one ticket, sit where you choose and enjoy it like you're the only one in the theater. Bottom line: If you want something in life, you have to take chances and open yourself up to opportunities.

The power to react how you wish. This was a huge phenomenon for me. For so long, I believed that it was the other person who “made me” mad, scared or frustrated. Actually, it was me reacting to certain “triggers” over and over, just packaged differently each time. I won't bore you with the specifics, but I will tell you that as I became more self aware, I realized that the real issue was my loss of control, fear of the unknown, or not feeling heard. You have the power to perceive your own emotions as situations occur, acknowledge how you tend to react, and decide for yourself. While others may “push your buttons,” only you can control how you feel, and the actions that follow.

The power to achieve the things you most desire. They say that you can tell what a person values by the way they spend their time and money. So if there's something you desire – to go back to school, save more for retirement, or to spend more time volunteering – you have the power to make it happen. The difference between achieving such goals and not is consciously working toward them... or not. Sounds simple, sure, but there will always be unplanned expenses and obligations that require our attention, not to mention temptations to spend extra money or alternate ways to spend our time. Good old fashion planning, sacrifice and determination will help you achieve whatever you desire.

What does power mean to you?

You, Only Happier

"If your joy is derived from what society thinks of you, you're always going to be disappointed."

- Madonna


Like most of us, I enjoy having new things. There's just something about finding the perfect this-or-that, buying it, and taking it home to live among the rest of my “stuff.” And for awhile, I actually derive joy from it... maybe even happiness. Over time though, the shiny new object loses luster and I'm off to find another shoe/dress/piece of furniture/jewelry/car/whatever to admire.

This is typically the way with material things.

If you've lived long enough, you know that “things” don't bring happiness. Often, they just create a larger void.

So what does?

I recently read an interesting article by Gabrielle LeBlanc, a contributing writer for Oprah Magazine, in which she proclaimed, “5 Things Happy People Do.”

1.They find their most golden self. Only through personal growth can we realize our authentic selves. This requires taking on challenges and fulfilling our sense of purpose in life.

2.They design their lives to bring in joy. We should all take a hard look at how we spend our time. It may surprise you that the things we “think” we want, we really don't... like the high-paid jobs that keep us from our families, or relationships that may be emotionally draining.

3.They avoid “if only” fantasies. Everyone has a list of coulda-woulda-shoulda's. The difference is, happy people know that the past is exactly that – the past. Nothing can be done to change what has occurred. We can only move forward from where we are in order to create a better tomorrow.

4.They put best friends first. Happy people tend to spend quality time with those they share a deep connection. So regardless of how many people you know, try spending some quality time with those who are the closest.

5.They allow themselves to be happy. Women are inclined to care for everyone else before ourselves, and may feel guilty for taking time out for personal pleasure. Research has shown that happy people are actually better caretakers. Further, expressing positive emotions like gratitude and optimism may increase life expectancy.

After reading this article, I had to admit, she may be on to something. But I would add one more thing to this list... Happy people believe in a higher power and live their lives accordingly.


What would you add?

Deciding for Ourselves

“Know when to tune out. If you listen to too much advice you may wind up making other people’s mistakes.”


- Ann Landers


Recently, I volunteered at a local cancer research center. One of the other volunteers was a smart and bubbly 17 year old girl. So I asked her the customary adult-to-child questions, including, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” To my surprise, she answered, “My parents want me to be a doctor.” Without thinking, I quickly replied, “No, what do YOU want to be?” She gave me a curious look and then confessed that her parents had pretty much decided for her. Though she liked the medical field, her true aspiration was to be a singer.  She didn’t have the courage to tell her parents that, for fear that they’d cut her off financially.

Now, if you’re anything like me, you don’t want to get in the middle of a parent’s wish for his/her child. But I couldn’t help but suggest that she talk to her parents about her desire to sing rather than practice medicine.

I am a STRONG believer that we were all put on this earth with a set of gifts – and passions – for a reason. It’s no coincidence that we’re usually VERY good at things that we LIKE to do… and we LIKE to do things we’re VERY good at. Conversely, when we make ourselves do things that are not authentically us, we derive very little pleasure from them and, worst – we don’t perform them to our best ability. Don’t get me wrong; it's important to try new things. Without “trying it out” how would we grow, and discover what we’re good at and what we’re not, or what we enjoy and what we don’t? But here’s the thing: no one can decide for us what our true passions are. What works for one person won’t necessarily work for another. Each of us can discover what makes us truly happy only through our own experiences, listening to ourselves, and paying close attention to those things that naturally draw us in.

My hope for that girl – and all females - is the chance to explore her true passions, live them, and make a living from them. In my opinion, it’s just wrong to expect others to do something with their lives that does not feel purposeful.

What do you think?

The Perfect Age

Maturity includes the recognition that no one is going to see anything in us that we don’t see in ourselves. Stop waiting for a producer. Produce yourself.

- Marianne Williamson (active link)



Last year I turned 34. As long as I can remember, I believed that 34 was the perfect age… right on the edge of youth yet old enough to wear fantastic heels!  In my 20s I imagined all that being 34 would mean: being wooed by and quickly marrying my tall, dark and handsome (don’t forget rich!!) husband, living in “an estate” overlooking something fabulous, and raising our perfectly-behaved children. I’d have it all together, complete with perfect credit, a maid to clean the house, weekends at exotic Mexican resorts, well – you get the picture.

Fast forward to 34. Let's just say that things didn't work out exactly the way I planned... and the closest I’ve come to a Mexican resort was a detour in San Diego that led to a 4-hour “layover” in Tijuana.

And I’ve never been happier.

What I didn’t realize in my 20s was that life is indeed what you make of it, and that for most of us, my idea of “having it all together” doesn’t really exist. And for those who do live that life, the “stuff” is not what truly makes you happy. Life has a way of throwing curve balls that sometimes can’t be predicted. So what do we do? Get on with it anyway. Or even better, we turn would-be bad situations into great ones.

A few years ago, several fabulous women entered my life (you know who you are!), and helped me realize the missing puzzle piece to my own happiness: realizing that I am enough as I am. Over the years, they “counseled” me through many tough situations. As I became stronger, I realized that the person I am today is who I was always meant to be... and so are you.

The fact is, we are all a work in progress – we’ve all made mistakes – but what matters is that we learn life’s lessons in order to do better next time; and perhaps help someone else with our new-found wisdom.

I turn the big 3-5 in a couple months, and am excited to see what that year will bring. So what’s the perfect age? I believe it’s simply the number of years you’ve lived thus far, as long as you’re living them with purpose.

I'd like to hear from you. What do you regard as the perfect age, and why?

Introducing: Living Her Purpose

"Take chances, make mistakes.  That's how you grow.  Pain nourishes your courage.  You have to fail in order to practice being brave."             
-  Annonymous

For those of you reading this blog, who I have not yet met, allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Erica and I am SO EXCITED to converse with you via my blog, "Living Her Purpose."

Why the title, you ask?

I believe that everyone is born with a purpose.  It is our job to discover what that is and "work it" to the best of our abilities.  For me, that knowledge did not come easily.  I have faced many challenges in my life, as we all do from time to time.  From single-motherhood to professional frustrations (to name a few), there were definitely times when I thought, "Why me?"

A few years ago, my heart called me to volunteer for a program that promotes strong self-esteem, character development, and educational excellence for middle school girls.  It was (and still is) the most rewarding thing I've ever done.  And that's when it hit me!  Why NOT me?!  I made it through years of tough situations in order to "earn" the right to live my purpose: to motivate and encourage girls and women who face challenges of their own, so they may live life purposefully.

Which brings me to this blog... Each Sunday, beginning August 29, a new topic will be posted, focusing on personal growth, positivity, relationships of all kinds, and much more, including:

• Advice you'd give if you could speak to the person you were 10-20 years ago
• The importance and difficulty of forgiveness
• Knowing when to let go

Thank you (in advance) for your interest, participation and sharing "Living Her Purpose"  (LivingHerPurpose.com) with others.  I hope it is a blessing to all who receive it.  Please enjoy your week.

Your comments are welcome.