Love is a Verb

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

-   Robert Heinlein

I love you.  These may be the most coveted words in the English language.   When spoken, they can convey the crazy mix of emotions one feels when enamored with another.  When heard, this simple phrase evokes security, belongingness, and announces to the world that we matter.    

As a mother, daughter, sister and friend, I used to say these words casually – without much regard for what it truly meant or the responsibility it carried.  I loved my mother simply because she gave birth to me.  I loved my boys simply because I gave birth to them, etc., etc.  But as I’ve grown older (and a bit wiser), experiences have transformed my definition completely.  For example, a few years ago, a good friend became ill and didn’t want to see or speak to anyone except her immediate family for several months.  For me – Type A Supreme – this was difficult because I wanted so badly to be there for her, to see her, and to comfort her in any way I could.  And why not?  She was my friend; I loved her.  But as time passed, my frustration subsided as I realized what I was saying.  Though my intentions were good, I was more concerned about what I wanted than what she needed.  At that point, our relationship changed.  Since spending time together and talking weren’t options, mailed cards and text messages had to suffice.  Amazingly, our friendship grew closer.  From that experience, I discovered that love is less about feeling and more about doing. 

In keeping with this theme, I’d love to take credit for this concept, but I can’t.  God’s word (1 Corinthians chapter 13) provides the true definition of love, as follows:

Love is patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude.  Love does not demand its own way.  It is not irritable or touchy.  It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong.  It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out… Love never fails.

So what’s the lesson?  Love involves more than Valentine’s wishes and fancy dinners.  It’s greater than sending and receiving gifts or ensuring that our children have the latest this-or-that.  These are merely expressions.  Truly loving someone means going beyond our own desires  and doing things that may not be convenient but are necessary for the greater good. 

My hope is that the next time you tell someone “I love you,” their response is, “Yes, I know,” assuming that you have shown them love continuously.  This simple reply is not out of conceit or sarcasm, but because your actions have already proven what words can only attempt to convey.  In short, love is a verb.

Your comments are welcome.

Who Are We to Judge?

“He that is without sin… cast the first stone.”

-          John 8 : 7

By now I’m sure everyone has heard about the untimely death of Whitney Houston, a beautiful and talented woman many regard as “The Voice.”  Though no cause has yet been cited, media is already speculating and reporting its own theories with the focus quickly turning from her remarkable career to her much-publicized substance abuse and occasional erratic behavior.  Even worse, some are questioning what her legacy will be in spite of all that her music has meant to so many. 

In this age of social media, news magazines, reality TV, etc. we may feel that we actually know the people we see and hear through these mediums.  But the fact is… we don’t know them or their struggles… so who are we to judge them?  They’re human just like the rest of us with many of the same challenges we face.   The only difference is that their lives are played out for all to see – and comment on. 

Think about it. 

Who among us hasn’t had bad relationships, issues with family, made mistakes at work, acquired bad habits, or didn’t live up to someone else’s expectations?  In my opinion, that’s about all she was guilty of.  To my knowledge, she never hurt anyone except for her pristine image, which she may not have ever wanted to begin with because of the pressure required to maintain it.  Yet, for years her transgressions have played out in the media for all to see and judge her by.  I can’t imagine the strength it took to survive that kind of scrutiny.  I’m not defending her just because I am a fan of her music  (Really, who isn’t?).  I say this because she was just a person, and a mother.  I remember watching her interview on Oprah a few years ago, as she attempted a comeback.  She joked that sometimes she fantasized about running off to an island with her daughter, opening a fruit stand, and living an unassuming life far removed from the public; however, her gift for music wouldn’t allow her to.  At the time, I sincerely hoped she would find the peace necessary to live the life she wanted.  Now, I can only hope she was able to do so before she passed.

Over the next few weeks or maybe even years, much will be said and written about Whitney Houston.  Those who knew her personally may separate fact from fiction.  As for the rest of us, let’s try to withhold judgment, keeping in mind that none of us are perfect.  And perhaps more importantly, pray that her daughter and family find peace during this difficult time.    

Your comments are welcome.

Let Your Light Shine

“Never let anyone dull your shine.”

-          Tyra Banks

Fear.  Some call it the most useless of all emotions.  I have frequently blogged on this subject because we often allow this four-letter word to control our thoughts, feelings, actions and inactions.  Conventional thinking has us believe that our greatest fear is failure… that we are in some way inadequate because we don’t possess all the answers.   I can certainly see how this may evoke fear, but consider for a moment that the opposite is true.  Do we hold ourselves back simply because we don’t want to fail, or because we fear our own success? 

I used to think that fearing success was absurd.  If given the option, surely we would all choose success over failure.  But I have learned that “living the life you have imagined” requires us to step outside of ourselves – and others – in the pursuit of our dreams.  Standing apart doesn’t make anyone better than any other, but it may cause discomfort in relationships we hold dear.  But what if we could uplift others as we strive to do and be our very best?  Marianne Williamson addresses this challenge beautifully, as follows:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”

As stated, allowing our own light to shine isn’t about patting ourselves on the back, feeling superior or reserving bragging rights.  The real power lies in setting an example for others – through ourselves – that their dreams are as achievable as our own.  You have the power to be a reminder to others that if you can do it, so can they.

In the spirit of this new year, I encourage you to pursue your passions in order to be a blessing to others.   You never know… your light could be a guiding force in someone else’s life. 

Your comments are welcome.

Less is More

To those who read my blog regularly, please accept my apology for such a long absence. In my last post, “In the Distance” (July 24, 2011), I shared that I was experiencing some things that had left me disheartened, confused and afraid. For reasons beyond my understanding at the time, one thing after another was occurring; some days I didn't know which way was up. Now that the dust has settled, I see things with new perspective and have begun to evaluate what's really important. To that end, this blog continues.

In honor of Lung Cancer Awareness Month (November), I've been working with Pearl Bistro, a woman-owned restaurant in Indianapolis, to host a fundraiser to benefit St. Vincent Foundation's Women of Hope, a program that supports cancer patients and their families. For Pearl Bistro's owner, this has been a long-time dream; an opportunity to pay tribute to her mother who died of lung cancer three years ago though she never smoked a single cigarette. She named the restaurant in honor of the pearl-color awareness ribbon. As her consultant, I wanted it to be perfect in every way, pouring months of hard work and dedication into the project. A few days before the big day, we became nervous because tickets weren't selling like we hoped. With a goal of just 40 attendees, it seemed our efforts had been in vain. Rather than throwing in the towel, we remained strong, confident that our mission – to raise lung cancer awareness and benefit patients – was good and that people would support the cause. In the end, we sold 31 tickets – and the event couldn't have gone better! Rather than 40 “warm bodies,” the space felt intimate, filled with individuals who genuinely cared about the cause. This allowed the owner to share her story “among friends.”

So what's the lesson? Yes, selling out the place would have made us very proud. But in reality, less quantity made for higher quality: everyone was comfortable – not cramped – and the awareness, connections with attendees, and appreciation of the foundation far outweighed what we didn't accomplish. I even like to believe that those in attendance were meant to be in that space at that time, and appreciated the event as much as we enjoyed hosting it.

I share this experience because so often we believe that things have to be big to be effective. But as I learned, often the opposite is true. Ask yourself: How much stuff do we own that serves no purpose? What activities do we engage in that occupy too much of our time? How much simpler – and perhaps happier – would we be if we learned to live with less? And if we avail ourselves to more time and space... What could we accomplish? What/who would we have time for? Whose life could we impact?

In closing, I pose this question: What more could you do with less?

Managing Your Personal Brand

“Life isn’t about finding yourself.  It’s about inventing yourself.”

-          George Bernhard Shaw

When you hear the word ‘brand’, what comes to mind?  For some, branding is synonymous with household names like Coca-Cola, Nike or Volvo and the feelings their marketing teams want us to think and feel about their products… refreshment, high-endurance and safety.  But ‘brand’ isn’t limited to corporate board rooms and advertising campaigns.  People also possess brands, which require careful management in order to achieve our goals. 

In my post a few weeks ago, “You, Inc. (May 8, 2011),” I discussed the benefits and responsibilities of owning your own life.   Today, let’s take it one step further.  Whether we like it or not, everything we do, what we say, how we dress and who we associate with (and what we DON’T do, say, wear, etc.) sends a message to the world about who we are.  It doesn’t take long to become known as our brands… confident, insecure, consistent, unreliable, etc.   

Why, you ask?

You’ve heard the expression “it only takes a second to make a first impression,” right?  From the moment we walk into a room, open our mouths, and make personal choices, we are branded.  As relationships continue over time, people come to expect certain behaviors from one another.  And – as you probably know – a positive brand can be tarnished in an instant while a negative one takes much time and effort to improve.    

The key to managing your personal brand starts with deciding who you are and/or who you want to be – and doing those things consistently.  It’s not enough to simply say these things… we must become them.  Just because Volvo promotes itself as a safe car manufacturer, does that make it so?  Favorable crash-tests and testimonials from happy buyers have made us believe what Volvo claims to be.  So… if you want to be a better friend, you must do what good friends do… listen, spend quality time and exercise patience.  Want to be known as an expert in your field?  You would certainly promote yourself as just that, but must have the goods to back it up. 

Bottom line: be who you claim you are.

This brings me to a subject I’m pretty passionate about… the power of social media.  The information posted on Facebook, Twitter, etc. is open for the world to see – and judge us by.  Unfair, yes, but the consequences can be harsh if, say, a curious potential employer investigates the “real you” with just a few clicks of the mouse.   So while images of our loved ones and vacation photos are one thing, posting “questionable” material is quite another.  Risqué comments and photos may not be representative of the real you, but how would someone know if that’s all they have to go on?

This week I encourage you to take a minute to evaluate your personal brand and decide:

Is your personal brand an accurate reflection of the “you” that you want to be?

For Mommy

"God could not be everywhere, therefore he created mothers."
 
  - Jewish Proverb


Yesterday my mother graduated with honors with her degree in culinary arts/restaurant management.  Owning/operating a restaurant has always been her dream; now that goal is fully within her reach.  To say that I’m proud of her would be a huge understatement.  Her hard work, dedication and commitment are admirable.  She’s a testament to the belief that it’s never too late to pursue your goals.

As usual, she didn’t want a fuss made over her; it’s not her way.  But that didn’t stop my siblings and me, along with other family members, from showering her with love and support, which she so greatly deserves. 

Call me biased, but my mother (whom I still refer to as Mommy) is one of the kindest persons one could ever meet: encouraging, giving, and wise beyond belief.  Her insight has helped me on more occasions than a few – especially lately – as I navigate through my own adventures in motherhood. 

I would be lying if I said that we were always so close.  We’ve had a typical mother-daughter relationship with ups and downs.  But now that I’m older, and have walked a mile or so in her shoes, I understand better where she’s coming from.  Better yet, I see her as more than just Mommy, but as a woman.

Do you remember the day you discovered that your mother is “human,” with her own hopes, dreams and fears? 

For some, it may be unimaginable that one’s mother is simply a woman trying to do her best, especially when so much is expected of her… to always know the correct answer, to constantly do the right thing, and, when all else fails, to turn bad situations into good ones.  But it’s true what they say: “Parenthood doesn’t come with an owner’s manual.”  Yet mothers do the best they can with what they have, and make provisions along the way.    

Looking back, I can certainly recall sacrifices my mother made for the good of others, often putting her own needs last.  Perhaps you can relate.  At the time, I thought that was what mothers were supposed to do, but now – as a mother myself – I realize how profound those actions were.  She believed in us tremendously and wanted us to succeed… as any good mother does. But now, after many years of hard work, she is finally in a position to put herself first and make her own dreams come true.  And I couldn’t be happier for her.

So on this Mother’s Day, I celebrate mothers everywhere who work tirelessly, often without the appreciation they deserve.  And to my mother in particular, thank you.  I’m so very proud of you.

What have you learned about your mother over the years?

You, Inc.

“… I am the master of my fate… the captain of my soul.”

-          William Earnest Henley

Recently, I was sitting with my 16-year-old son helping to develop his goals for the next few years.   His desires are typical of most boys his age… getting a job, having a car, and graduating from high school.   We’ve discussed these things many times, but now that he’s approaching adulthood, I thought it was important for him to take some ownership and realize that his actions – and inactions – determine whether his goals will be met, rather than assuming/hoping/wishing that his wants will magically materialize out of thin air. 

As we broke each goal down into manageable steps, I explained, “This is how companies get from point A to point B.” Not surprisingly, he rolled his eyes and said, “I’m not a business.”  To that I replied, “Your life IS your business… and you’re the CEO.”  His reaction was priceless: “I never thought about it that way.”

Have you?

As a young girl, I certainly didn’t feel that my life was my own.  Looking back, I recall wanting desperately to be liked, and doing things simply to fit in and gain others’ approval.  I’ve learned a thing or two since then, including the fact that you can’t live your life for someone else. 

Hands down, the best day of my life was when I finally realized that I was always good enough, that I define me, and that I have the power to live the life I choose.  For me, that day came in my early 30s; for some it arrives sooner, for others much later.  This realization opened up a world of possibilities I hadn’t dared to consider – probably for fear of never achieving them.  But now I have the courage to try, and that’s half the battle.

Though my son isn’t yet on his own, he liked the prospect of being in control of his own life.  But being “the man” (or “the woman”) comes with responsibilities as well.  Just as corporate CEOs decide which opportunities to capitalize on and which to avoid, we must do the same in order to move to the next level, carefully weighing risks and rewards.  And, just like in business, the best laid plans sometimes go awry.  But a good CEO takes responsibility for the results – good or bad – no excuses, no one to blame.

So if there’s something in your life that you’ve been contemplating, which could take you to the next level, I encourage you to weigh it out, pray over it, and if the gains outweigh the challenges, give it a try.  And in the end, remember that you – as CEO of your own life – have the power to make it happen. 

Your comments are welcome.